Mountebank History of Scotland

#13 - Robert The Bruce (The Declaration of Arbroath)

The Declaration of Arbroath was affirmed at Arbroath Abbey on the 6th of April 1320. The Declaration decreed that should the king be deemed to be an ineffectual leader then his subjects had the right to replace him - this was back in the days when being a complete  f*ck head was seen as being undesirable in a leader, unlike now where it is a necessary attribute to become leader of the 'free world' 

#12 - Robert The Bruce (Bannockburn)

The Battle of Bannockburn fought on the 24th of June 1314 was an incredible victory for the Scots army led by Robert Bruce against the superior English forces of Edward II. It made the scores Scotland one - England a miiiiiiiillion. By winning the battle of Bannockburn Robert Bruce secured his kingdom and effectively ensured the survival of Scotland as a nation. Bannockburn has remained Scotland's most impressive victory - or at least it was until James McFadden scored that goal at the Parc de Princes in 2007

#11 - Robert The Bruce (Outlaw King)

Robert the Bruce was a king on the run after the shocking, sacrilegious murder of his rival John Comyn in a church in Dumfries - shocking because crimes committed in churches were supposed to be exclusively for the priest.  He then famously went into hiding, had a run in with a spider, and reemerged in the spring of 1307 a rejuvenated superhero, a bit like yer man Peter Parker. 

#10 - William Wallace (Scottish Martyr)

William Wallace, Scotland's greatest patriot, suffered a particularly brutal execution. His decapitated head was placed on a pike and taken to the Bullington club in Oxford where future Tories copulated with it while his limbs were hacked off and sent to Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling and Perth, where they were then deep-fat fried and served in the local chip shops

#9 - William Wallace (Guardian of Scotland)

The most instantly recognisable and most revered Scottish patriot of all time takes some time to talk to you about William Wallace..!! Part One 'Guardian of Scotland' tells Wallace's story from when he 'raised his head' in 1297 through his victory at Stirling Bridge and defeat at the Battle of Falkirk just a year later

#8 - Toom Tabard

John Balliol or 'Toom Tabbard' which means 'empty tunic' a nickname attributed to Balliol on account of the fact he was a king who was easily manipulated, had no real control over his kingdom, and was in power in name only - he didn't hide in fridges though

#7 - The Alexanders

The 13th century and the rule of 'The Alexanders' was Scotland's golden age - only because no one realised how bad things were going to get in the 14th century, it's a bit like the Scottish football team in the 90's we didn't realise they were actually a pretty good team until Bertie Vogts came along and then we started to get pumped off of Kazakhstan and Georgia

#6 - William The Lion

Scotland's longest reigning medieval monarch 'William the Lion' was enthusiastic and not without his charms, but he was much louder, more aggressive, stubborn and lacked the subtlety and talents of his older brother - he is basically Scottish medieval history's version of Liam Gallacher.

#5 - King David

King David is arguably Scotland's greatest ever king, he was so good in fact he could win battles by losing them - winning at losing makes you a hero in this country!  

#4 - Malcolm and Margaret Canmore

Malcolm and Margaret Canmore were Scotland's original power couple, the late 11th century's equivalent of Beyoncé and Jay-Z - well if Beyoné became 'Saint Beyoncé' and Jay Z was middle-aged, illiterate, violent, vengeful, obsessed with conquering Northumbria and had a huge head