Mountebank History of Scotland

James I is the most enigmatic of Stewart monarchs, no one seems to able to decide if he was utterly brilliant or utterly shite - he was the 15th century's 'Gerry Cinnamon'

Robert II despite being well past his best when he became king Robert II continued to tour Scotland until he was 74 years old, he had 20 children through two marriages, and was for all intent purposes utter shite - Rod Stewart has very much modelled his career on that of 'Rod II'. His successor Robert III considered himself to be the worst king Scotland has ever had, his dying wish was that he be buried in a midden so they did the next best thing and buried him in Paisley.

David II was the son of Robert The Bruce and that's a lot of pressure, they are some seriously big boots to fill - it's a bit like how Sir Alex Ferguson's son is a football manager, your dad is the most successful, the most famous and instantly recognisable Scottish king of all time and you're managing Peterborough United or whatever Gammon town in England Darren Ferguson is the manager of. 

The Declaration of Arbroath was affirmed at Arbroath Abbey on the 6th of April 1320. The Declaration decreed that should the king be deemed to be an ineffectual leader then his subjects had the right to replace him - this was back in the days when being a complete  f*ck head was seen as being undesirable in a leader, unlike now where it is a necessary attribute to become leader of the 'free world' 

The Battle of Bannockburn fought on the 24th of June 1314 was an incredible victory for the Scots army led by Robert Bruce against the superior English forces of Edward II. It made the scores Scotland one - England a miiiiiiiillion. By winning the battle of Bannockburn Robert Bruce secured his kingdom and effectively ensured the survival of Scotland as a nation. Bannockburn has remained Scotland's most impressive victory - or at least it was until James McFadden scored that goal at the Parc de Princes in 2007

Robert the Bruce was a king on the run after the shocking, sacrilegious murder of his rival John Comyn in a church in Dumfries - shocking because crimes committed in churches were supposed to be exclusively for the priest.  He then famously went into hiding, had a run in with a spider, and reemerged in the spring of 1307 a rejuvenated superhero, a bit like yer man Peter Parker. 

William Wallace, Scotland's greatest patriot, suffered a particularly brutal execution. His decapitated head was placed on a pike and taken to the Bullington club in Oxford where future Tories copulated with it while his limbs were hacked off and sent to Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling and Perth, where they were then deep-fat fried and served in the local chip shops

The most instantly recognisable and most revered Scottish patriot of all time takes some time to talk to you about William Wallace..!! Part One 'Guardian of Scotland' tells Wallace's story from when he 'raised his head' in 1297 through his victory at Stirling Bridge and defeat at the Battle of Falkirk just a year later

John Balliol or 'Toom Tabbard' which means 'empty tunic' a nickname attributed to Balliol on account of the fact he was a king who was easily manipulated, had no real control over his kingdom, and was in power in name only - he didn't hide in fridges though

The 13th century and the rule of 'The Alexanders' was Scotland's golden age - only because no one realised how bad things were going to get in the 14th century, it's a bit like the Scottish football team in the 90's we didn't realise they were actually a pretty good team until Bertie Vogts came along and then we started to get pumped off of Kazakhstan and Georgia