Mountebank History of Scotland

#28 - James VI (Union of the Crowns)

Queen Elizabeth I died in the early hours of the 29^th of March 1603 having resolutely refused to name an heir, to marry, or to attempt to conceive an heir. It meant the famed Tudor dynasty came to an end in the hands of a pasty-white, red-headed-leader - just like the end of Celtic’s dynasty, except where Elizabeth refused to be pumped Neil Lennon was quite happy to get pumped every other weekend. Elizabeth’s death meant James inherited her throne and became James VI of Scotland and James I of England and Ireland, the first monarch to rule over the entire British Isles.

#27 - James VI (Satanic Panic)

James obsession with sorcery, witchcraft, and satanism would lead to thousands of innocent, predominantly women, being tried, tortured, and executed as witches. Thousands suffered because of one man's obsession, one insipid, sweaty, balding, misogynistic, xenophobic, orange, small-handed, pussy-grabbing, prick of a king - but it's very difficult to put in any kind of 21st century context

#26 - James VI (Exemplary Protestant Leader)

James was given a vigorous education as a child, he was being raised to be an 'Exemplary Protestant Leader' - which is what Arlene Foster has printed on her business cards. James was a child genius and probably the most intelligent world leader until Donald Trump, and like Donald Trump he too was in love with a family member, not his daughter but a Stuart cousin Esme Stuart. Esme Stuart was a dashing Frenchman in his 30's and James a 13-year-old boy king, it was an age gap even Rod Stewart would have found inappropriate

#25 - Mary Queen of Scots (Prison, Plots, and Execution)

Mary was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in Northamptonshire on the 8th of February 1587. The English went and beheaded our queen, and since they got to behead our queen it's only fair we should get to behead their's - head for a head and all that. Mary was found guilty of 'imagining diverse matters tending to the death and destruction of the queen of England', if they executed Mary for 'imagining' the queen's death then Meghan Markle is in real bother.....

#24 - Mary Queen of Scots ('Escape' to England)

By the time of Mary’s ‘escape’ to England in May 1568 both her mother and father were dead, she had two dead husbands, she ruled over a country that had changed its religious and political structures overnight, was berated by angry Protestants, put down a rebellion by her brother, witnessed the horrific murder of her secretary, was imprisoned and escaped, won back her kingdom, married the man responsible for killing her husband, was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, imprisoned, miscarried twins, abdicated her throne, escaped again, almost won her kingdom back, then fled to an English relative who had her locked up and murdered – she was like every Eastenders Christmas special rolled into one

#23 - Mary Queen of Scots (Marriage and Murder)

Mary's second husband Lord Henry Darnley was a vindictive, alcoholic, spiteful, womanising, pig-f*cker he had all the necessary attributes to become Prime Minister but it also meant he had a lot of enemies. There were plenty in the Scottish nobility with motive to want Darnley dead, his murder in the Scottish Gunpowder Plot in February 1567 is Scottish history's biggest 'who dunnit?' 

*note to English listeners, when we do a gunpowder plot here in Scotland we make sure the guy actually dies

#22 - Mary Queen of Scots (Return and Reformation)

John Knox was Scotland's most miserable man before Sir Andy Murray. He was a middle-aged, extreme-Protestant, who despised the charismatic female ruler of Scotland - like your uncle on Facebook - and was one of the leading figures in the 'Reformation'. We were always destined to be Protestants in Scotland, Scottish people will choose 'grey misery' over 'over-the-top showiness' every time. The reformation meant that when Mary returned to Scotland in 1561 she did so as a Catholic Queen in charge of a newly Protestant country.

#21 - Mary Queen of Scots ('The Rough Wooings')

The Rough Wooings aren't just Alex Salmond's idea of flirting, they were also a series of punitive raids launched by England's 'ultra gammon' monarch Henry VIII to try and force Scotland into a marriage pact using intimidation and violence, 'Phil Mitchell style'

End of Series One (time for a wee break)

After 20 episodes and a thousand years of Scottish history Mountebank is taking a wee break. I will be back in no time at all with my episodes on Mary Queen of Scots, in the meantime please continue to nominate deserving folk to receive bottles and whisky and mind and leave me a wee bit of money on 'Buy Me a Coffee' so I can buy them :)

#20 - James V

James V was the greatest patron of renaissance architecture in Scotland, he loved beautiful paintings, beautiful buildings, beautiful poetry but also loved tying people to barrels of tar and burning them alive; he's Scotland's Hannibal Lecter - he didn't eat them unless they were deep-fat fried